Top Ten Ways 3D Printing Will Kill You and Your Loved Ones

Many people somehow see 3D printing as some benign force. The technophile’s latest solution to the world’s ills is a small box that spits out plastic. It too, as the flying cars and jetpacks, will come to save us from ourselves. What many people do not know is that 3D printing is the portent of much evil. Rather than one gigantic Care Bear Stare of love, 3D printing may just end all life on the planet.

1. 3D printed guns will make future conflicts even more deadly. Already there is approximately one gun for every seven people in the world. With 3D printers everyone can make guns everywhere all the time. People will quickly print out untraceable weapons for bank robberies while they wait in line at the bank. You think the world is a scary place now? Wait ’til 3D printed guns hit campuses instead of fidget spinners.

2. 3D printing will be used to make counterfeit parts. Your elevator works because all of the parts in it are genuine and original. What if your jet engine had a counterfeit part in it made by some kid in his basement? The results will be horrific.

3. Eventually no one will be able to make money from anything. If there really is a 3D printer capable of making anything then it can be used to make an unlimited number of 3D printers that can make anything. Each of these printers could make anything including an unlimited number of more 3D printers that can make anything. These 3D printers could print milk, cheese, buildings and even people. No company could make money because the unlimited number of 3D printers would always be cheaper.

4. Millions of people worldwide will lose their jobs. There are millions of construction, textile and factory workers worldwide. All of their jobs could be automated by 3D printing the things they make. You can now 3D print offices, buildings and houses. People can 3D print forks, spoons, cars. Everything you can think of, people can print; your job too may be at risk. Even Jamie Oliver will not have a job because everyone will be able to 3D print food.

5. 3D printing will be used to steal all the intellectual property in the world. With 3D printing, reverse engineering things becomes simple. Innovations, inventions and patented parts could easily be replicated. How can we possibly guard the world’s intellectual property when even schoolkids will be offered replication machines? Companies will no longer be able to make 3000% margins on cartoon-based dolls and instead people will make their own toys.

6. Rich people will live forever. You might like and trust Mark Zuckerberg, but what if he lived forever, would you still like and trust him? With 3D printing he could pay to have his body parts printed. If his heart failed he’d simply print a new heart; if his lungs failed he’d print new lungs. He could potentially live forever or as long as he’d want to live. He’s already rich now, what if he kept his money for 100 years? Even if it only grew a percent or so a year he would end up owning everything on the planet. What would a planet owned by Mark Zuckerberg look like? Will Mark Zuckerberg end up building the Matrix and keep us all locked in a perennial Like-clicking cycle while watching viral videos inside of a pod, our energy harvested to power Facebook?

Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

7. 3D printing body parts will become grotesque forms of human augmentation. We can all see that the plastic surgery thing is getting out of hand. But imagine 3D printed butt implants. You leave your child alone for a minute in her room and you come back to some proto-Kardashian. People could 3D print body parts and completely redesign themselves to become human-rhino hybrids. Is this a future we want?

8. The Cartels will 3D print drones and there’s nothing we can do to stop them. Drug cartels will 3D print millions of drones to ship drugs worldwide. These drones will fly from production location to dealer. Even if some are stopped the flood of 3D printed drones will be unstoppable. The war on drugs will be lost due to 3D printing.

A Cartel Meth Drone.

9.People will 3D print their own marijuana and XTC. The cartels will face stiff competition, however, from everyone 3D printing all of their own drugs in their homes. Anyone anywhere could 3D print any drug they wanted to. Societies will collapse as everyone is either printing drugs or consuming them. 

Criminals are already wearing sophisticated masks to avoid detection.

10.No one could be caught for any kind of crime. With 3D printing people could print their own faces and make themselves look like anyone they wanted to. You could get arrested for a crime that you didn’t commit just because someone 3D printed your face. Criminals would be uncatchable since they could in a matter of seconds change their appearance.

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Internet-necessary disclaimer: This is satire.