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Read on, but you will almost certainly be sorry you did...

Read on, but you will almost certainly be sorry you did…

You may believe that you’ve read something truly unsettling today. You are about to discover that whatever you’ve encountered in your travels across the cyberwebternet is tame in comparison to the weird this story holds in store.

In what may well be the most subjective, provocative and delicate poll ever held online, the man who designed and actively shills for a device called the ‘Autoblow’ (more on that later) opted to seek out the owner of the the world’s most attractive vulva.

To clarify, he didn’t go door-to-door to make the selection personally, but rather he held an online contest where entrants were encouraged to send photographs of their lady gardens in to be appraised by those who appreciate such architecture.

Brian Sloan, the creator of a device meant to provide an accurate, if somewhat incomplete, simulation of oral sex, decided to hold what he says is the “very first vagina beauty pageant.”

autoblow_logoAside from the aesthetic aims of the contest, which Sloan and company extensively explain in one of the most bizarre and thorough research pages on the subject at vulvapaper.com, Sloan says he was intent on finding the vulva in question to optimize a man ‘s enjoyment of his, for lack of a better name, blow job simulator.

Sloan’s ‘Autoblow,’ a device that looks more like a throbbing kitchen appliance than any female body part, will now feature a representation of the winning vulva molded from 3D scans, on the business end of the toy.

A Scottish woman, known as ‘Nell’ for the purposes of the contest and one of 182 entrants, is set to cash in to the tune of $5,000 for being the possessor of the ideal bits which will grace the opening of Autoblow 2. The second and third place winners will also receive cash prizes; all three will be flown to have their bits scanned.vegina

“I want to optimize this process,” Sloan says of the design method for his appliance. “I want to find out which vaginas men want reproduced so that they can receive the maximum level of enjoyment while using it.”

According to Sloan, the possible layout of that female point of entry and exit can be accurately represented by a few slices of ham arrayed in various configurations, though the winning entry appears nothing like his simulations. (Check out the ham depictions in his video, below.)

Mr. Sloan is not the most sensitive of gentleman, nor is he particularly informed about the lexicography describing the female anatomy as his contest site promised that “We Will Use 3D SCANNING To Replicate The Winning Vaginas!” We can only hope he plans to scan ‘Nell’s’ vulva and labia as the process touted on the contest site might actually prove rather uncomfortable – and provide some incomprehensible scan data.

The winning entries can be best described, perhaps in tribute to the leveling effect of the polling process, as a sort of generic or idealized version of the anatomical feature in question. It may not seem strange at all that some 130,000 voters selected a vulva which seems oddly devoid of any unique or characteristic features.

Even the winner says she thinks her vulva is rather common in appearance and credits the victory to excellent photography and flattering lighting. ‘Nell’ told Mic.com it all comes down to capturing her “best side” in a photo as it were.

“I happen to have the best picture of my vagina. That’s it. It’s nothing less, it’s nothing more,” Nell says of the win.

Brian Sloan held a Vaginal Beauty Contest online. Brian Sloan is a marketing badger.

Brian Sloan held a Vaginal Beauty Contest online. Brian Sloan is a marketing badger.

If you’re the sort who enjoys being actively unsettled by technology, you can check out the Autoblow in action here, and should you agree with the marketing pitch for the device, opt to avoid possible wrist injury and purchase one

 

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