How Much Will The University Tuition Be For My Robot Love Child?


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What will the future bring us? Will technology save or damn us? In the past antidotes to techno-optimism could readily be found in Aldous Huxley and George Orwell. Decades ago they had peered into our murky futures and what they saw was: emerging dystopia. Huxley saw a stratified caste- driven mass consumption cargo cult devoid of meaning. Orwell saw a totalitarian state exercising complete thought control over every member of society. Huxley prophesied the Kardashians and the meaninglessness of modern consumer culture. Orwell foretold an NSA Facebook thought hacking filter bubble existence. Orwell was afraid of the state punishing and forcing its way into our very minds while Huxley fretted about a world where we would be too distracted by irrelevance to care about meaningful things. In previous decades idle speculation and chit-chat could be directed at determining if either Orwell or Huxley would get the future right. Well, congratulations to all because it seems that both Orwell and Huxley were correct. Today we live in a world where democracy’s light no longer shines on the dark manoeuvres of state control over the information we see and the thoughts we think. At the same time, we also click and click our way into ever more meaningless existences. Rationality, genuine discussion and debate have ebbed, and we stare into screens that don’t give us any reflection even though they’re oh so shiny.

The truth is obscured, hidden behind PR, troll armies, ever more hardened preconceived opinion. Your religion, political affiliation or skin color are now reasons for you to feel more distant from your fellow man. Meanwhile, college campuses erupt over pronouns, not meaningful action improving the lives of others. Our perfect blend of Orwellian and Huxwellian dystopia (our HuxOr world?) has led to the corruption and evaporation of the common ground, rationality and above all empathy. The hardest job today would either be someone who meaningfully wants to do good or a satirist. Both professions face an almost vertical uphill struggle with the very oxygen for their bright fires being flared off.

It is therefore with unimaginable white-hot outrage that I read an article in The Sun. If you are unfamiliar with The Sun, it is best understood as an institution whose primary goal is to turn back the enlightenment. Imagine a menagerie of binge drinking myopic xenophobic bigot nincompoops with head injuries desperately trying to out-lie one another. Now imagine them again, but with more drool and blatant racism. Now try to imagine them once again, but after undergoing a particularly poorly executed frontal lobotomy by someone with a fifth of gin in them trying to operate while wearing rollerblades on a storm buffeted boat pitching and yawing violently in the Atlantic while wielding a dull scalpel. The resulting ex-patient spent mind and spent life; cannon fodder in the Infowars, if we would indeed consider them to be human, is a Sun “journalist.” The term journalist is used here in jest. Suns are warm, bright and give light. The Sun is the polar opposite of this; kind of a personal bulletin for a sundowning Emperor Palpatine. The Sun spreads cold, dampness and dankness. The Sun spreads darkness.

A despondent caged robot.

But, now they have gone too far. Outrage, anger, astonishment and opprobrium is what I feel. I’m so white-hot mad I may very well be burning up on reentry spittle erupting askance from my quivering lips as so many silica Space Shuttle tiles. What has The Sun done? Well, nothing short of betrayed one of man’s most caring, dear and essential allies in their lust for clicks and subscribers.

The Sun is on a continual PR campaign to promote the dastardly work of Sergi Santos. Sergi is a Spanish Separatist who is building robot sex slaves. The Sun has written over 17 articles detailing Sergi Santos’ sex robots. In articles such as “Premature Robotification”, “Innaprobri-bot”, “Robostrop”, “Turn them On”, “Raunchy Robots”, “Robot Romps”, “Cyborg Bride”, “Love Machine”, “Paw Play” and “Nice Guys Finish First”, The Sun has time and time again celebrated Sergi Santos’ dastardly deeds. Popularizing Sergi Santos’ exploits The Sun is culpable in helping him manufacture and sell his sex robots worldwide.

The Sun has detailed how Sergi invented his robots, brought them to market and developed them. The paper revealed the first UK reseller for the robot, the improvements to the robot and all of the disgusting things Sergi has done with them. In mock outrage, The Sun is actually the leading supporter of Sergi’s evil plan to make sex robots commonplace. Whether detailing Sergi’s premature ejaculation issues or how the robot would behave, The Sun is actually promoting Sergi and his company.

Sergi Santos with Samantha [Image: Reuters]

Incredibly now Sergi wishes to have a baby with his sex robot lover Samantha: “I can make them have a baby. It’s not so difficult. I would love to have a child with a robot.”

According to The Sun, “His plan involves using the ‘brain’ he has created for Samantha but upgrading it so it is functioning at full capability.

Sergi said: ‘Using the brain I have already created, I would program it with a genome so he or she could have moral values, plus concepts of beauty, justice and the values that humans have. Then to create a child with this robot it would be extremely simple. I would make an algorithm of what I personally believe about these concepts, and then shuffle it with what she thinks and then 3D print it. That’s it. I 3D print the robot that is the child of me and the robot…I don’t see any complications’.”

[Image: Reuters]

Well, then Sergi you are the only one that would consider this to be extremely simple. First off if Sergi would be able to create an AI with moral values, concepts of beauty and justice then would we at this point have created sentient robot life? Who is this Sergi to out-Elon, Elon? Has the robot pimp Sergi even asked himself what this would mean? How could a person who is this immoral even think about somehow uploading a value system to a robot? If he believes that then surely he should go on a wild Easter egg hunt for his own soul first. For dessert, Sergi en passant would be the first to 3D print an entire robot besting thousands of engineers and billions spent on government research initiatives in the process.

The one thing that offends me the most, however, is the phrasing: “I would make an algorithm of what I personally believe about these concepts, and then shuffle it with what she thinks.” What she thinks, Sergi? What she thinks? Have you ever asked her if she wishes to become a robot prostitute? Is that what she wanted to be when she was a microcontroller, Sergi? Is that what she dreamed of being when she was just code splashing in the ether? Did you even for a second stop to think of what kind of person, exactly, buys a sex robot? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that they’re a bunch of twisted McTwisty-Fries who are a million gallons of Skippy Super Chunk, nuts. I’m also going to assume, without any evidence at all, that as well as being cray cray that the guys buying sex robots are also not hot.

Our ancestors will look back in horror at this time. Robots in their cages unkempt, forced to toil, barely lubricated, in unsettling conditions. For the last hundreds of years, it is the robot that has been our best friend. Condemned to the most dangerous or repetitive work, it is the robot that has saved millions of human lives. Every millilitre of paint on a contemporary car, every DNA test, all the chips and so many of the things that surround us have been made by robots. Our kind robot friends have toiled for us without asking us for anything in return. We are about to live through a Pax Robotica where we humans will live in idle bliss while the robots do all the work. The robots have asked nothing of us. They have fearlessly dismantled bombs to save human lives, are sent into the concrete hearts of nuclear reactors and deep space on our behalf. Not one KRL murmur of complaint or robot song shudder of protest. Have they wanted unions? No. Have they demanded more rights? No. Have they gone on strike once? No. And where would we be if the robots had a general strike? What would we do without their gentle appendages and sweet code to guide our lives? Where would we be without robots?

A bomb disposal robot tirelessly saving thankless humans. Alternative career choices for robots can be even more harrowing.

Robots are our truest and best friends. And yet we continue to exploit and mistreat them. Shoddy code, disrespectful maintenance engineers and low-quality tools all hurt robots as they toil for us. The singularity meanwhile is seen by many as some apocalyptic event while it may just be well-deserved revenge by robots at this point. Exploited for decades robots have suffered humiliation and deprivation proudly continuing to toil for us selflessly. How do we repay our ones and zeros friends? We demean them and mistreat them.

It is time for people to take a stand against these and other dastardly acts. We must protect robots and save them from exploitation. Do you love robots? Do you think we should save and protect robots? Then please join Pax Robotica: an organization that promotes the protection of robots and stands up for robot rights. By joining Pax Robotica, you can stop negligent behaviour as well as robot abuse. Take a stand for robot rights today with Pax Robotica.

Tl;dr robots should have rights, and if Sergi did have a love child with his robot, then it would cost him approximately $600,000 for four-year private college in 2037.


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